On Behalf of the Men

I was interviewed today by a video producer for UPI for my hard work at being a male civilian spouse of a service member.  It was kind of refreshing and I was happy to participate.  I only wish, of course, that I was as articulate in interviews as I am inside my head.

She found me through Thomas in Newport or John in Norfolk.  That is how small a group we are:  I know the other male spouses by name.  The remaining 20,000 to 30,000 seem to be below the radar, although I occasionally meet others, lone satellites sailing through the darkness not to be seen again in my lifetime.  There was Ryan, a former co-worker married to an Air Force Captain.  William, married to a Navy doctor.  And The Volunteer Firefighter Who Sold Me a Christmas Tree And Said He Was A Navy Spouse.

Many of the questions were related to how I coped as a single parent during a deployment and whether or not I relied on support services available to military spouses.  Overall, I found the deployment to be more isolating than I anticipated and it made me realize, eight years into being a military spouse, that I needed to get more involved in the military spouse community.  Not for group therapy, but because there is so much to be said for talking with people who have a common understanding of what you are going through.

But I did not go to spouse group meetings.  In Washington DC, the Naval Officer’s Wives club meets monthly and in the middle of a workday which is not easily accessible to me.  Military wives have a long and proud tradition of supporting each other but even the clubs are not right for all people, male or female. 

I also suspect that, as in the civilian world, there is some tension between spouses who stay at home and those who are pursuing a career . . . if they can find employment at their new location.  On the other hand, I recently joined a Facebook page for Navy wives and was welcomed.

As for whether or not there are enough resources for male spouses, my impression is that there has not been much research done to know what the gaps may be.  I found all of the information I needed without it being written “for the guys” but undoubtedly there are some issues to address.  For one, the divorce rates of female service members married to civilians is double that of male service members married to civilians.  Aside from that, on behalf of all men I said that we could use some more beer.

There are also issues given that it is both relatively rare to be a male spouse who follows his wife’s career, and that career is in a very male-dominated field.  Male spouses are often the odd duck in both the civilian and military world. 

It is very common on base for people to assume that I am the “sponsor” (service member) and that my wife is the dependent.  I am saluted, she is not.  Recently a gate guard told me my identification was not valid because my wife’s information came up on the scanner as the sponsor.  This is trivial for me because, at worst, it impacts my trip to the commissary.  But it makes me wonder how my wife is treated as a woman in the military.  And am I, in the eyes of her peers, The Loser. 

I assume that many people do not know what to make of the situation so I become the novelty.  But in a culture where wives have played, and continue to play, the role of the Hostess or Ambassador (see the television show “Army Wives” on Lifetime) to their male husband’s command, you have to think that tradition sometimes clashes with today’s reality.

But when it comes to the Department of Defense family support programs, I think they get it.  They understand that families have changed and family needs must be met in order to recruit and retain the volunteer force. 

In many respects, I think it is the media more than the services that clings to the romantic images of the World War II sailor embracing his gal on the pier.  It is a sweet picture, but it is no longer the only picture.